For a while, I didn’t know how to answer their questions. So I just shrugged and said, “He found me” which is a true answer, but not a very satisfying one. But I know the answer. And it’s the same answer as why I chose to self-publish.

I attracted a great partner in the same way I’m attracting readers: by just doing my thing. Does that sound flippant? Disrespectful of struggle? Here’s what I mean: When my partner found me, I was at work, on a break, writing a play. I was sitting by myself, completely content, with coffee, sunshine, wearing a comfortable pair of jeans, doing my own thing. I didn’t notice he was there. I didn’t really notice anyone around me. I’m sure he liked the look of me, but when he approached me to talk, I just talked to him. At the time I identified as a lesbian and had zero interest in flirting with men. So instead of running any sort of game, we had an awesome conversation about the gender politics of prevention. He may have been flirting but I didn’t notice. I didn’t flirt back, I just spoke. He listened. Then I went back to work, until we decided to sit together and talk more.  And we did. It was great. We had a lot in common. We disagreed in jovial ways. We treated each other like human beings.  And the rest is 6 years of history.

When I wrote my first novel, Lunatic Fringe, I was thinking about self-publishing, but I wasn’t sold on it yet. I did plenty of research and asked a lot of questions of my peers. But still, not sure.  Then I went into the submission process– the often-bemoaned series of queries and rejections. What I hated about this wasn’t that I was getting a lot of rejection. Instead, I resented the fact that I was having to ask for permission to do my thing, that somehow Lunatic Fringe wouldn’t even be allowed to exist in the world without a Publisher Charming sweeping it off its feet. The submission process felt like standing a singles mixer with a sign on my chest saying LIKE ME PLEASE!!!  I don’t get to talk to anyone, I can merely approach them, wait for them to notice me, hope they like the look of me, and then start talking.

That’s just not my style.

Most people like feeling chosen. There’s nothing wrong with that. Some people, however, need it. The publishing industry– until recently– taught authors that we needed to be chosen.  Kind of like dating before feminism, wouldn’t you say?

The problem with needing to feel chosen is that when you’re not chosen, you feel miserable. Undesirable. Unloveable. Undeserving. To one who is taught we need to be chosen to have value, when a potential date says “No thanks,” it’s impossible to hear it as anything other than “I’m not worthy.”

When a publisher/agent/editor says “Sorry, your book is not what we’re looking for right now,” the writer who needs to feel chosen can only take this the same way:  “I suck.”

I self-publish because I’m not interested in waiting to be chosen, just like I’m not going to stand around with a sign around my neck saying “date me!”  Would I be interested in a publisher taking an interest in me?  Sure, but it’d have to be the right fit. It’d have to be someone who was attracted to me because I was doing my thing, not because I was waiting for permission to be myself.

In the meantime, I’d rather being writing and finding readers. If I’m ever chosen, I’d like it to happen while I’m knee deep in my own thing, not because I sent the right email at the right time to the right agent who was in the right mood. I’d rather be developing my craft, getting feedback from sharp minds, finding community, putting myself out there and flailing, finding joy in small successes, and, above all, continuing to write books I like and sharing them with the world because it makes me happy.

The best advice I can offer to those women who just don’t get how I could land such a dreamboat is the same I offer nascent authors:  Do the things that make you happy because they make you happy. Be the person you want to be because you like being that person. Write the books you want to write, or cook the foods you want to cook, or travel to the places you want to visit, or whatever the fuck you want, because it makes you happy. Odds are, you’ll meet the people who enjoy those things about you and enjoy them in similar ways.  The best part of this, beyond finding love or fans, is that you didn’t have to compromise one whiff of your self-expression to land your dreams.

Take a deep breath.

Know that a bad review will likely trigger an emotional response.  It sucks the first couple of times, but you get used to it. Let the flood of stress hormones happen. Keep breathing. Then practice some self-care.

Know this is all optional.

Lots of authors don’t read reviews. You can add your name to that distinguished club if you want. You don’t have to be on Goodreads, Amazon, or have Google Alerts set for your book title. You have the power to tune it out. Don’t be ashamed if you just don’t want to know. But if you do…..

Read for comprehension.

When we’re triggered, it’s easy to read a level-headed criticism as a screed and a screed as a death-threat. If you care about what reviews have to say (and you really don’t have to), take a deep breath and pay attention to what they’re saying. Try to remove your own ego from it. Are they being snarky for snark’s sake? Or do they level some well-tempered critique? You might be missing some nuggets of support if you’re too focused on criticism.

Find the gratitude.

Console yourself with the idea that they read your book. They gave you 4 to 24 hours of their lives. Maybe they skipped some parts, or even just straight to the end to see if they hated the ending as much as they suspected they would. But they read your book.  That’s a win.

Realize you can only do so much.

I used to review theater. Once after seeing a play that infuriated me in its execution, my brother-in-law offered me a well-tempered response: Don’t review the play you wished they had made. Review the one they actually did.

As a creator, your critics will likely review a book they wished you wrote instead of one you actually did. Did your critic feel mislead by the marketing? Did they hate the ending because they hate sad endings? Most of the time armchair critics write from a personal place. They aren’t necessarily taking your work in canon or context. Readers create emotional ties to their books, and if they feel betrayed in some way, they may lash out.  This likely doesn’t indicate a failing of your writing.

Some of my worst reviews for Lunatic Fringe contradict each other. While I can learn from each review, it’s not a failing of the book if someone hates the politics because they hate reading politics, or a sad ending because they only like happy ones.

Expect the inevitable.

Remember, it was only a matter of time before you got a bad review.  The people who get only good reviews are authors with no integrity who cook the books. Eventually, someone will hate your book. More people will ignore it. Which is worse?

Appreciate good bad reviews.

Who doesn’t love reading terrible reviews? When Roger Ebert died, people were sharing the highlights of his lowlights more than anything else. Why? We love a cutting wit. Dorothy Parker and Oscar Wilde’s careers were essentially made on this kind of thing. It sucks when you’re on the business end of razor-sharp wit. But what an honor to know that someone spent some time with your book, figuring out the best way to say how much they hated it?

And a well-written terrible review will guarantee that more people will read the book. 50 Shades of Gray became a phenomenon partially because of this kind of thing.

Add some back-patting….

You wrote a book. You published a book. People bought and liked your book. That’s a big deal. Most people will never do any of that. Many people desperately want to, but they never will.  You did. Good on ya.

And a little gentle ego inflation….

Keep honest, glowing reviews in a file on your computer, or somewhere accessible. Read them.  Read them again. Read them again and listen to the complements. Let them truly sink in.  Treat them as true. Few people really listen to praise. We only hear the cutting words of the critics, and we ignore the adorations of the fans. Know that people love your work, even if Hater McMeaniepants doesn’t.

Tell yourself: It’s not me, it’s you.

Maybe it’s a cliche artists tell themselves to keep from slitting their wrists but… some people won’t “get” it. Be careful with this one, because it’s the quickest draw defense mechanism out there. Your critic did likely not pan your book because they’re jealous, stupid, hateful, ugly, a wannabe, or a pathetic mouth-breather living in their mother’s basement. Indeed, your critic may be intelligent, reflective, and generally good-natured. But they may still hate your book.  And that’s okay.

Maintain radio silence.

For the love of all that is holy do not talk back. Seriously. Nothing will make you look and feel like a fool like sassing a critic.  You chose to be a professional author, now suck it up and get back to work.

Get Back To Work.

Write more stuff. This is why you do this, isn’t it? It’s not the accolades, the awards, the guest spots on Fresh Air. You write because you love to, so keep the love alive. And keep writing.

Hosted by Allison Moon.

Featuring readings by Alysia Angel, Tanya Olson, CJ Suitt, and more!

Show starts at 7pm

Books and merch will be on sale.

** This event is open to all 21+ folks: drinkers, non-drinkers, queers, non-queers, writers, non-writers and anyone in between. Come enjoy great literature and great company! **
Start Time: 19:00
Date: 2013-04-29
End Time: 20:30

STORIES
1716 West Sunset Blvd • Los Angeles   

7:30pm

Details

Monday, April 15 – Los Angeles (Echo Park) – Stories

Thursday, April 18 – Atlanta,  Charis Books [reading]

Friday, April 19 – Atlanta, Charis Books [workshop]

April ?? – Durham, NC (stay tuned!)

May 23 – Cleveland – Gay & Lesbian Center

May ?? – Chicago

May ?? – Minneapolis

Sorry for all the ??????!!!!  Details are coming, I just need to get things solid. IN THE MEANTIME, come out to these events!  They’re all free, except the workshop, which has a suggested donation because I’m a broke, traveling artist. Buy books and shirts and keep me chugging across the country!

If you’re in or near one of these cities and want me to come and read for you, email me at moon@talesofthepack.com and we can work some shit out.

AND I’m giving away two t-shirts!  (Check out the styles) To enter, buy Hungry Ghost as an ebook or paperback from any retailer and forward me the receipt. I’ll choose TWO lucky winners to get shirts:

1) Buy Hungry Ghost (ISBN 978-0-9838309-3-1) from any online store or a brick and mortar.
2) Email the receipt or a photo of your receipt to info@lunaticink.com
3) Remove any billing info that I shouldn’t see.
4) Make sure your address is included so I can send you your shirt.
5) You MUST buy Hungry Ghost by midnight on April 12th to enter the giveaway (that’s Friday!).

And meanwhile, stay tuned for midwest and east coast tour dates!

Thanks! Awooooooo!

Come in costume OR your Tales of the Pack t-shirt to get 5 free raffle tickets!

7 – 8:30 Borderlands books. Come for a reading, Q&A and reception. Buy a book, get it signed, and support local indie booksellers!

9 – ??? The Lexington Club. Come for a drink, music, and hot queers. Buy a book, get it signed, and support your local indie author!!! Raffles, t-shirts, dancing, making out, and lesbian werewolf literature! What’s not to love?!
Come in costume OR your Tales of the Pack t-shirt to get 5 free raffle tickets! We’re raffling off high end sex toys, books, shirts, queer porn, and more goodies!

Admission is FREE. Books are $10. Sharing the love is priceless.

You can join the facebook event here for updates, and read more about the book here.